I find it amazing that with the push of a button I can open the whole world up to see. I can find out what is going on in any country if I feel like it, look at real time pictures of places & watch videos on my computer. How is it you can connect to anything you want yet feel so alone? I keep up with my friends either by phone or email or if feeling really wild will sit down & write a letter by hand.
I go through these periods of time where I don't know who, what or where I am. Its not like being body or mind tired, it goes deeper than that inside me & I wonder what in the hell I am doing. Am I suppose to be doing more?
Its funny in my younger years, I never seemed to have a moment to myself so any quiet time was wonderful. Now it seems to be all quiet time & no one knows I am here. Maybe its because of the consent shoulder pain that has me so blue, because everything else seems to be fine. The chickens & cats are all doing well & are healthy. I even went & got 2 new hens today, that were going to spend the winter outside so I made a deal with the guy. I would take the 2 hens he had & give him eggs in trade whenever he came by for them.
I have worried about them all Fall & knew they would die if I didn't do something, since he only fed them table scraps & had no real place for them. He wanted them for eggs, but would not get them chicken feed that would make them healthy enough to lay. So Cagney & Lacey came with me today & are now settled in a nice big hay filled cage, with lots of feed & cracked corn in the shop. Until the other 'kids' get used to them they will stay in the cage for about 7 days, then I will hopefully be able to release them to be with the others.
Tomorrow I will check them, dust them for mites & do a medical inspection of them. You would think with the 'kids' I would be a very content person, but I seem to dip down into this darkness that makes me wonder if I am doing all that I should be. Plus I hate not having anyone my age around, being every ones Momma at times is so hard. No they don't ask me for things, it my mind set with them. I can not see them as equal age friends but as my children who I worry about & want to take care of. I love them but its more of a Mothers love than a friendship love...if that makes any sense to you all.
Soon Thomas will be home & I worry about that even. will we go back to the same way things were before he left, him up in his game room & me down stairs? Will we go days without speaking to each other again or me doing all the talking, while he watches TV & doesn't really hear me? I know part of our behavior towards each other is because we have been together for over 20 years so its like there is nothing new to say. but I hate when I want to talk or feel lonely & I have to fight the TV, computer or his games to have him pay attention.
One of the reasons I got so into the chickens was because I felt so lost & needed to feel connected to something, even if it only has 2 legs & runs to me for treats. When they feel sicky I can hold them, nurse them as best I can & know I tried to help. But when I am sicky or need to be hugged, held or listened to I hit a brick wall.
I am not feeling sorry for myself, just realizing that things are not how I saw them 20-30 years ago. I thought by now I would be a grandmother, a good wife & friend, who had everything she needed to be happy & content. Now I am not talking about material things, those I don't care about, but I thought my insides would be at peace finally.
I am blessed in a lot of ways thought, I have a wonderful little Sister,who is always my best cheer leader, a son who is healthy,working & making it on his own. I have a hard working husband who never complains when things are tight or hard. But most of the time I feel so disconnected & separate from everything. its like I am in one place & everything else is in another place & I can't seem to meet up with it.
I know I have a part of me that wants to live like a pioneer woman, I feel best when I am doing things the old hard way. I do best when things are tough & I feel alive. No electricity, no problem, no running water, no problem, washing clothes by hand also not a problem. But I get this odd feeling of not being part of the world when I have to just push buttons to get things done. Its like I was born at the wrong time or have been here before & remember what I was then & it doesn't fit with what I have to do now.
No I am not drunk or on drugs right now, The person who writes all these fun stories about her chickens ect is me, but there is a side of me that never feels she's in the right moment of things. Its like that sock the dryer eats & you never find...I feel like that missing sock, I know I am suppose to be in that dryer with its match but somehow I got sucked into a dryer void, just sitting there waiting for the dryer to let me come home again.
To be part of the pair, but my thing is I no longer know what the pair is I am to be with.....I do know that in time things change & I will change with it but days, weeks & months of feeling disconnected is hard to fight.
I also know that this time of the year is a very hard time for me emotionally, its the time I think of my Mother more than normal, she passed away when I was just barely 11 & even 41 years later I still miss & long for her. Each year, I think it will be easier on me but then it hits hard all over again, so I sort of stumble through the months until I am back to being fairly normal. I know many people go through the blues during the holidays like I do & eventually work their way out of it. So I hope those who read this realize that even this crazy ole chicken lady has her hard times but I promise I will get through it, I always do plus my kids need their Momma to bring them their treats each day.
until next time have a wonderful chicken day & a safe & peaceful holiday...M'
No comments:
Post a Comment