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I am a 50+ yr old stay at home wife of a scientist/Military man.  I raise chickens for eggs, rescue dogs & cats & spoil them all.  I am a silver/metal smith & stained glass artist.  I, at one time was an secondary art teacher & Social Studies teacher.  I am sorta a eclectic earth mother who recycles everything I can get my hands on.  Enjoy working with power tools & even built my own 10ft by 6ft chicken coop.  am pretty much interested in learning everything I can thur books, magazines & friends. I enjoy veggie gardening & doing gardens just for the chickens. I also sew & love making pioneer style comfortable clothes for myself & adding vintage lace when I can find it. I am pretty easygoing, but need my coffee first before I am ready to face the world & day.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Having the whole world at your finger tips

                                                          Saint Augustine, Florida

I find it amazing that with the push of a button I can open the whole world up to see.  I can find out what is going on in any country if I feel like it, look at real time pictures of places & watch videos on my computer.   How is it you can connect to anything you want yet feel so alone?  I keep up with my friends either by phone or email or if feeling really wild will sit down & write a letter by hand.

I go through these periods of time where I don't know who, what or where I am.  Its not like being body or mind tired, it goes deeper than that inside me & I wonder what in the hell I am doing.  Am I suppose to be doing more?

Its funny in my younger years, I never seemed to have a moment to myself so any quiet time was wonderful. Now it seems to be all quiet time & no one knows I am here.  Maybe its because of the consent shoulder pain that has me so blue, because everything else seems to be fine.  The chickens & cats are all doing well & are healthy.  I even went & got 2 new hens today, that were going to spend the winter outside so I made a deal with the guy.  I would take the 2 hens he had & give him eggs in trade whenever he came by for them.

I have worried about them all Fall & knew they would die if I didn't do something, since he only fed them table scraps & had no real place for them.  He wanted them for eggs, but would not get them chicken feed that would make them healthy enough to lay.  So Cagney & Lacey came with me today & are now settled in a nice big hay filled cage, with lots of feed & cracked corn in the shop.  Until the other 'kids' get used to them they will stay in the cage for about 7 days, then I will hopefully be able to release them to be with the others.

Tomorrow I will check them, dust them for mites & do a medical inspection of them.  You would think with the 'kids' I would be a very content person, but I seem to dip down into this darkness that makes me wonder if I am doing all that I should be.  Plus I hate not having anyone my age around, being every ones Momma at times is so hard.  No they don't ask me for things, it my mind set with them.  I can not see them as equal age friends but as my children who I worry about & want to take care of. I love them but its more of a Mothers love than a friendship love...if that makes any sense to you all.

Soon Thomas will be home & I worry about that even.  will we go back to the same way things were before he left, him up in his game room & me down stairs?  Will we go days without speaking to each other again or me doing all the talking, while he watches TV & doesn't really hear me?  I know part of our behavior towards each other is because we have been together for over 20 years so its like there is nothing new to say.  but I hate when I want to talk or feel lonely & I have to fight the TV, computer or his games to have him pay attention.

One of the reasons I got so into the chickens was because I felt so lost & needed to feel connected to something, even if it only has 2 legs & runs to me for treats.  When they feel sicky I can hold them, nurse them as best I can & know I tried to help.  But when I am sicky or need to be hugged, held or listened to I hit a brick wall.

I am not feeling sorry for myself, just realizing that things are not how I saw them 20-30 years ago.  I thought by now I would be a grandmother, a good wife & friend, who had everything she needed to be happy & content.  Now I am not talking about material things, those I don't care about, but I thought my insides would be at peace finally.

I am blessed in a lot of ways thought, I have a wonderful little Sister,who is always my best cheer leader, a son who is healthy,working & making it on his own.  I have a hard working husband who never complains when things are tight or hard. But most of the time I feel so disconnected & separate from everything.  its like I am in one place & everything else is in another place & I can't seem to meet up with it.

I know I have a part of me that wants to live like a pioneer woman, I feel best when I am doing things the old hard way.  I do best when things are tough & I feel alive.  No electricity, no problem, no running water, no problem, washing clothes by hand also not a problem.  But I get this odd feeling of not being part of the world when I have to just push buttons to get things done.  Its like I was born at the wrong time or have been here before & remember what I was then & it doesn't fit with what I have to do now.

No I am not drunk or on drugs right now, The person who writes all these fun stories about her chickens ect is me, but there is a side of me that never feels she's in the right moment of things.  Its like that sock the dryer eats & you never find...I feel like that missing sock, I know I am suppose to be in that dryer with its match but somehow I got sucked into a dryer void, just sitting there waiting for the dryer to let me come home again.

To be part of the pair, but my thing is I no longer know what the pair is I am to be with.....I do know that in time things change & I will change with it but days, weeks & months of feeling disconnected is hard to fight.

I also know that this time of the year is a very hard time for me emotionally, its the time I think of my Mother more than normal, she passed away when I was just barely 11 & even 41 years later I still miss & long for her. Each year, I think it will be easier on me but then it hits hard all over again, so I sort of stumble through the months until I am back to being fairly normal.  I know many people go through the blues during the holidays like I do & eventually work their way out of it.  So I hope those who read this realize that even this crazy ole chicken lady has her hard times but I promise I will get through it, I always do plus my kids need their Momma to bring them their treats each day.

until next time have a wonderful chicken day & a safe & peaceful holiday...M'

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